Netflix just added The Avengers to its instant streaming queue. That means right now any readers with a Netflix account who haven’t seen this glorious movie need to take a 143-minute break from reading this article, watch the movie, and then come back feeling utterly satisfied and enlightened. Not only is this film the third-highest box-office grossing film of all time, it is arguably the best superhero film of all time (barely edging out The Dark Knight, and crushing that piece of crap Man of Steel). Just before writing this, I re-watched The Avengers. As I polished off a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade just as the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes were polishing off the last of the alien invaders, two thoughts crossed my mind: A)Why am I throwing up right now? and B) How was this past year’s Villanova Basketball team like the Avengers? Weird thoughts, I know. Fear not, readers - I’ma break it down for you.
PS – Did you hear a high-pitched, nasally whining sound about halfway through that last paragraph? That was all the disgusted Superman nerds questioning my credibility.
PPS – This article obviously has a few spoilers about the movie, but honestly, it’s been out for over a year now so it’s pretty much on you if you haven’t seen it at this point.
Without further ado, I give you…THE VILLANOVAVENGERS
Jay Wright – Nick Fury
Strength of Analogy: 10 out of 10
Why it totally works:
Okay, so this one’s kind of a given. Both men are the tough and tenacious leaders of their respective teams, but it goes beyond that. Jay and Nick Fury also are sharply dressed individuals, call the shots even when they aren’t directly involved in the action, and are strong recruiters. Heck, Jay even looks like the salt-and-pepper-haired comic-book version of Nick Fury. Everything fits.
What Jay Wright can learn from Nick Fury:
I’d say he should adopt the eye patch. I can’t think of any other minor accessory that immediately makes its wearer look 5 times as badass. Can you imagine being a referee if angry, eye-patch-wearing Jay Wright was in your face yelling??? You wouldn’t give him a Technical, you’d give yourself a bathroom break while you go and change your soiled whitey-tighteys.
"BY MY COUNT, YOU HAVE ONLY ONE CLEAN PAIR LEFT!!!"
Ryan Archidiacano – Captain America
Strength of Analogy: 9 out of 10
Why it totally works:
Captain America was raised on American values, and in The Avengers he was thrust into a leadership role in a world he wasn’t completely familiar with. Likewise, Arch was raised to love Villanova (both of his parents are Nova alum and his dad played football), and as a freshman on the team, he was suddenly put in a leadership role as the point guard for the team in the brand new world of college hoops. Both Arch and Captain America represent the underdog stepping up to and thriving in a position where others follow their lead.
What Arch can learn from Captain America:
Captain America, beyond having super strength and speed, is an incredible military strategist. If Arch was able to draw from that aspect of remarkable strategy skills, he might be able to finally come up with a workable in-bounding play for Villanova’s offense. Right now it seems like our strategy 90% of the time is "Run around randomly and then chuck it to half court when no one is open". Not that any of that is currently Arch’s fault – I’m just saying that with a superior strategist on our side, we could develop a few concrete plays that get the ball inbounds without me having a heart attack.
Good things happen when we have a solid in-bounding play.
JayVaughn Pinkston – Iron Man
Strength of Analogy: 8 of 10
Why it totally works:
Both JVP and Iron Man are the confident and explosive powerhouses of their respective teams. You can always count on both of these guys to be right in the middle of the fight, acting as a leader for the team, and getting recognized for their contributions. Also, as much as I hate to bring it up, both have a history of partying a little too hard, even though they’ve cleaned up their act since then. But forget that, these guys are hard workers, vital to the team, and fan favorites.
What JayVaughn can learn from Iron Man:
Two words: Rocket Shoes. I mean, I’m guessing they’d be made illegal pretty quickly, but I highly doubt there’s any rule right now that states "Rocket Shoes are not allowed in NCAA basketball games". While the NCAA fumbled around trying to pass some amendment to the rules to disallow Rocket Shoes, we’d get at least a few games where JVP would be throwing down half court dunks, which would be awesome.
…And anyone who ever played NBA Jam would see one of their childhood dreams become a reality.
Mouphtaou Yarou – Thor
Strength of Analogy: 7 out of 10
Why it works pretty well:
Much like Thor, Mouph is the heavy-hitting guy from a foreign land, who has been known to throw down the hammer, so to speak. Both Thor and Mouph are one of the most powerful and strongest members of their teams, show leadership, and are vital to the defense of the world/the basket. Plus, if you rearrange the letters in "Mouphtaou Yarou", you get "O you Thor! U a puma!" which pretty much means it’s a law of science at this point.
What Mouph can learn from Thor:
I mean, it’s gotta be the flowing blonde hair, right? A hairdo like that can immediately bump up any dude’s appeal with the ladies by 3-5 points. Plus, he’d be a guaranteed member of the exclusive "Badass Dudes with Golden Locks" Club that’s so hard to become a member of.
The one on the right is Taylor Hanson, not Melissa Joan Hart.
Daniel Ochefu – The Hulk
Strength of Analogy: 6 out of 10
Why it works pretty well:
These guys are the tallest, strongest members of their respective teams. They may be slow moving but they are powerful, and have the ability to physically intimidate just about everyone that they face. Basically, it comes down to this: both Ochefu and the Hulk love to smash.
What Daniel Ochefu can learn from the Hulk:
That speaking in the third person is awesome. The Hulk does it all the time with phrases like, "HULK SMASH!", "HULK GET ANGRY!", and "HULK HAS TROUBLE UNDERSTANDING HIS TAX RETURNS!". The Rock also used the third-person speaking method as an effective tool in proving his own badassness (and yes, I refuse to call him "Dwayne"). If Ochefu only talked in third person on the court and to the press, he’d immediately develop a wild reputation for being some sort of crazy and dangerous player. Just think about Ochefu saying "CHEF SMASH!!!" after throwing down one of his signature one-hand jams. Did you just pee a little? Cause I know I did.
Note: Talking in the third person is not ALWAYS badass.
James Bell/ Darrun Hilliard – Hawkeye
Strength of Analogy: 5 out of 10
Why it kinda works:
Hawkeye has a deadly shot and is skilled all around, much like both James Bell and Darrun Hilliard. However, also like Hawkeye, both of these players are sometimes overlooked compared to some of the bigger names on their respective team. But don’t you dare underestimate these guys; as soon as you do, they’ll cross you over, hit a game winning three, or blow up your whole damn ship.
What Bell and Hilliard can learn from Hawkeye:
Simple. Hawkeye never misses a shot. I have a wild theory that if Bell and Hilliard never missed any shot they took, we’d win a lot more games.
PS – Obviously #BenchMob gets a huge Honorable Mention for the role of Hawkeye, simply because of my favorite gif of all time:
Tony Chennault – Black Widow
Strength of Analogy: 4 out of 10
Why it just barely works:
Alright, these are definitely becoming stretches, but we’re gonna power through anyway. Both Black Widow and Chennault are what I would call "specialists". They have a specific role on the team that they play very well. For Black Widow, it’s assassinations, interrogations, and espionage; for Tony, it’s great ball-handling and stepping up to run the offense. Neither are the biggest or strongest members of their team, but the roles they play nonetheless are very important to the overall success.
What Chennault can learn from the Black Widow:
Jesus, I dunno. As far as I know, there’s not a lot of martial arts or leather catsuit related things that go on in a basketball game…though I could be wrong. I never played past 4th grade, so there may be some subtleties of the game I missed out on. I guess maybe the whole speaking Russian thing would be something he could learn? It won’t really help on the court, but knowing another language is invaluable, and Rosetta Stone software is pretty expensive. Plus, then Chenneault and Mislav Brzoja could have secret conversations that no one else could understand!
Wow, not even close. So it’s been a little while since I watched Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Maurice Sutton – Agent Coulson
Strength of Analogy: 3 out of 10
Why it just barely works:
Both Agent Coulson and Maurice Sutton are the heart and soul that brought their respective teams together. They were the guys who had been with the organization longer than any other team member, and demonstrated the work ethic and dedication needed to get the job done. Agent Coulson’s sacrifice was what finally brought the Avengers together as a team; meanwhile, Mo Sutton never hesitated to sacrifice his minutes for Villanova’s overall strategy, and strongly served as a leader in motivation his entire tenure. As a result, both Agent Coulson and Mo Sutton are adored by fans and are, in a way, the unsung heroes of the team.
What Sutton can learn from Agent Coulson:
How to keep kicking ass. Honestly, I’m not sure Mo Sutton even needs help on this front. For those of you not completely in tune with the comic nerd world, Agent Coulson didn’t actually die in the Avengers movie. He’ll be returning this fall in what is destined to be my new favorite TV show, where he’ll be leading up his own team of superhero-tracking agents. In a similar way, I know we’ll see great new things from Mo in the future no matter where he ends up.
Unless, of course, he goes back to the boxing/dancing career he tried before his growth spurt:
Ok, well that’s just about all the analogies I can handle right now. I was gonna keep going and relate the Pavilion to the SHIELD Helicarrier that crashed and burned, but the MHL pukes haven’t let up let up yet… so I think I should probably call a doctor, or at the very least have one more Mike’s Hard and see if it settles my stomach.
Agree or disagree with me? Leave it in the comments or let me know @TheSheaQuinn